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Custom funny speeches for weddings, roasts, retirements, and every event you didn't want to go to in the first place. Crafted personally by Emmy-winning comedy writer Rick Mitchell.
No awkward Googling "how to be funny" at 2 AM. We handle the comedy - you handle the delivery.
Tell us about the event, the honoree, your relationship, and any inside jokes or stories. The more details, the funnier the speech. Think of it as gossip - but for a good cause.
An Emmy-winning comedy writer crafts your speech with a perfect mix of heart and humor. Real jokes. Real structure. Not some AI-generated Hallmark card with a punchline.
Get your polished speech with delivery tips, timing notes, and a pep talk. Walk up to that microphone like you were born for this. Spoiler: they'll think you were.
Hi, I'm Rick. I've spent my career making people laugh for a living - including five Emmy wins writing for The Ellen DeGeneres Show. Now I'm bringing that same comedy firepower to the speeches most people dread writing.
I co-authored How to Write a Funny Speech with legendary comedian Carol Leifer (with a foreword by Carol Burnett, no less). So when I say I literally wrote the book on this - I mean it. Literally.
Every Funny Toast speech is personally crafted by me. Not a team. Not an algorithm. Just a comedy writer who loves turning your stories into something that brings down the house.
More about Rick at RickMitchell.com →Buy the Book →From tear-jerking wedding toasts to savage roasts, we write for every occasion that demands more than "um, thanks for coming."
Best man, maid of honor, parents
Lovingly brutal, brutally loving
Inspire them while making them laugh
Keynotes, awards, holiday parties
Milestones worth celebrating out loud
Heartfelt, funny, age-appropriate
Send them off with a standing ovation
Honor their life with laughter and love
(Okay, actually do. We're pretty proud of these.)
"I was dreading the best man speech for months. Rick turned my rambling stories into something that had the entire room crying from laughter. Even the bride's mom was wiping tears. Worth every penny."
"I'm a CEO, not a comedian. Rick wrote my company holiday party speech and people are STILL quoting lines three months later. He made me sound like I moonlight doing standup."
"My dad's retirement speech needed to be funny but also emotional. Rick nailed the balance perfectly. Dad laughed, cried, and then asked me how I suddenly got so witty. I'll never tell."
Here's a best man speech Rick wrote and delivered.
I'm so happy to be here to celebrate the wedding of Harley and Rachel. Sorry...Charlie and Rachel. Whatever, you know who I'm talking about.
For those of you who don't know me, my name is Rick and I'm the best man. I first met Charlie when I was in 3rd grade. I had just moved to Novato, California from New Jersey. I was very nervous on the first day of school because I didn't know anyone. But during recess, Charlie asked if I wanted to join his football game. I did, and I sure as hell was grateful that he asked. (And please know I didn't use the word "hell" back in 3rd grade.)
So now I can say that I've known Charlie longer than any other friend...who I can't get rid of. Trust me, I've tried. I've changed phone numbers...identities...entered Witness Protection. I just can't shake the guy.
A lot of people think Charlie is annoying. I won't say if that's true or not, but I will say that sometimes he calls telemarketers while they're having dinner.
Charlie and Rachel are Sicilian, which means before they were married they were already a family.
Anyone else think it's weird not to see Charlie in a small white t-shirt? That's his thing. As small as possible, right? Growing up, we all shopped at the Gap. Charlie shopped at Baby Gap.
Richard, Charlie's father is here. Thank you for a wonderful rehearsal dinner last night. I'm sure a lot of you know that Richard worked for PG&E, Pacific Gas and Electric. That's very different than being a fireman, what Charlie does. Although Charlie does experience blackouts. And he has a lot of gas.
Rachel's father is here too. I don't really know him at all. But I saw the house you were kind enough to purchase for Charlie and Rachel, so I'd like to ask your permission now to marry your other daughter. Or your son. I don't care who. I'm very low on funds.
Rachel's dad bought them the most beautiful house. But the funny thing is, he didn't buy them any furniture. Have you ever seen a million dollar house with no furniture? It looks like they've been robbed.
Obviously, I'm kidding. Can we get Rachel's dad a drink please? But give him the glass without any liquid in it. See how that feels? Buy them some furniture.
And how about Rachel, doesn't she look beautiful? Some of you may not know this, but Rachel actually did some modeling. She appeared in Maxim Magazine, quite the official "hot" stamp of approval. Charlie also did some modeling. He was in a medical pamphlet for an affliction known as "Unusually Small Ears."
Rachel coaches the dance team at the college here. Those are her students who felt obligated to cheer. But that's her job, she teaches people how to dance. And as you'll see in just a little bit, she hasn't had a chance to give Charlie a lesson yet.
All joking aside, Charlie you're one of my absolute best friends. From working at Mary's Italian Restaurant together to soccer camp three summers in a row to that disastrous backpacking trip in Europe...we've been through a lot together. And I couldn't be happier for you today. I love you, buddy.
Rachel, I've gotten to know you well these past few years and I think you're an incredible woman. As someone who knows Charlie better than anyone, I can honestly say that you two are a perfect fit for each other.
Please raise your glasses. Charlie and Rachel, congratulations. I wish you both a long and happy life together.
And Rachel, please do me a favor and repeat everything I said to Charlie. He can't hear me because of his unusually small ears.
Every package includes a custom, comedian-written speech, delivery notes, and revisions. Because funny shouldn't be stressful.
Our free Speech Builder walks you through the process step by step and generates a solid framework. It'll organize your thoughts and get you started. But fair warning: AI isn't that funny. If you want a speech that actually kills, that's what Rick is for.
Try the Speech Builder →Everything you need to know before you hand the funny over to us.
That's the whole art. The questionnaire and consultation digs into your voice, your stories, and your relationship with the honoree. I write in YOUR voice - just the funniest version of it. People will genuinely think you wrote it yourself (and you should absolutely take the credit).
Procrastination happens - I get it. Add rush delivery to any package: 3-5 day expedited for +$75, or 48-hour emergency for +$150. Standard turnaround is 5-7 days, but I've rescued plenty of "oh no the wedding is Saturday" situations.
Every package includes revisions. I'll tweak, adjust, and refine until you're confident. In the rare case it's not working, I'll rewrite the approach entirely. I haven't had an unhappy customer yet - and I plan to keep it that way.
That's literally my specialty. The best speeches make people laugh AND feel something. I'm not writing a standup set - I'm writing a moment. Expect heart, humor, and at least one line that makes someone whisper "that was perfect."
Five Emmys' worth, yes. I spent years writing comedy for one of the biggest shows in television. I also co-wrote a book on writing funny speeches with comedian Carol Leifer, with a foreword by Carol Burnett. So when it comes to making people laugh with words - this is quite literally what I do.
Stop stressing about your speech. Let an Emmy-winning comedy writer handle it so you can focus on what really matters - open bar strategy.
Order Your Speech →